Going Nowhere

I would be lying if I said it had been easy. High school had been horrible for a multitude of reasons, but my inherited notoriety was what really did it for me.

From a young age I had known I had to escape from the limelight if I wanted to feel at peace. High school cemented that notion.

Moved to the suburbs and pretended I wasn’t a Jackson. After a while, life seemed normal.

I had hated it, but yet he wasn’t worst thing about those torturous four years.

Yet still, I had thought about it every day for the last 5 years.

I despised him, and what he represented, but I had never been able to bring myself to hate him.

This was supposed to be a celebratory dinner for him. A ‘Patchwork’ family member, returning from Business College to plunder my father’s life work into the ground.

One look at our visitor and I wasn’t transported back to my high school years; rather to my college years, and it was like a real life poster stood in front of me. It wasn’t Xavier .

He was tall, taller than I had expected.

“Surprise.” He said with a shrug, pulling his hair back off his face. He looked directly at me and a smirk washed across his lips. His hazel eyes glinted with something I couldn’t decipher.

“Xavier,” Janie exclaimed her tone incredulous. She stepped forward and touched his cheek. “I don’t understand.”

Whoa, Xavier? I reeled back in shock. Why was I looking at Vax when Janie was calling the exact same person Xavier? The Xavier who had tormented me. I knew Xavier, and Xavier didn’t look like this.

The more I took him in, the more I realized he did look like this. It was Xavier. I wasn’t sure how had I missed the similarities in his almond shaped hazel eyes?

Sure he was older now, his skin was decorated with ink and his face was covered with a light smattering of stubble, but it didn’t seem a reasonable enough excuse.

“I wanted to tell you Mom, but… well.” He looked at Marc and his eyes steeled. He was angry and I was mortified to find it sexy.

I shook my head, still struggling to work out what the hell was going on. Xavier had made my life hell in high school.

He wasn’t Vax. This was just a prank.

“Xavier… What’s going on?” Marc boomed, clearly not caring about audience he had. The room was filled with other patchwork family members, each and every one of them as shocked as the other.

“I wanted to play music!” Xavier pulled a rolling stones magazine from his back pocket and slammed it down on the bench. “You told me I was dreaming.

“A man in charge of finding new talent told me I was better off getting a 9 to 5 job. You were wrong! And this proves it.”

After that everyone except Marc and I seemed to accept this new development, like their worlds hadn’t crumbled beneath them like chalk. How could I not have recognized him? I couldn’t accept this.

I wouldn’t.

She was studying photography and saw me under a tree alone. We’d hung out before because our families were close, but she went to a different high school, so we didn’t really talk much.

I told her about high school, she knew most of it anyway because her parents had filled her in and she quickly became my best friend. One I knew I could trust.

But she knew about Xavier too, the only person I’d ever told.

“This is actually happening isn’t it?” Isla gasped, her tone was amused, she knew about my gigantic crush on Vax, and my gigantic dislike of Xavier.

“Maybe he’s changed.” Isla suggested shrugging her shoulders. “He sure looks different.”

He did look different, but now I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t seen that Vax was Xavier before. When his hair was off his face all I could see was Xavier.

He wasn’t scowling now, he was smiling as he spoke to my Dad about his last tour of the country. My stomach flipped as I watched him speak, and butterflies began flitting through me.

My face blushed. I could feel the heat radiating from my face. I couldn’t feel this way about him now that it was clear Vax was Xavier. I had to kill it.

I ran up the wooden staircase like I had many times before, usually because of Xavier, but never because he made me flustered.

I walked into the pristine white bathroom, the minimalist décor combined with the brightness of white on white forced me to wake up ever so slightly.

I looked at myself in the mirror, my blue eyes glistened with want, my lips sat slightly opened, because under the current pressure just breathing through my nose wasn’t enough.

“Get a hold of yourself Jackson.” I groaned as I turned on the cold tap. I splashed the water on my face and felt the inappropriate thoughts drain away.

“Could you knock next time?” I scathed, annoyed.

My Dad’s nickname for me.

It was a step up from Dung Beetle., the name he’d given me when we were growing up, so I chose to let it go. I stepped toward the door hoping Xavier would move, but he didn’t.

Xavier shook his head, he took advantage of our closeness and grabbed me by the hips.

My breathing hitched in my throat and I wondered how on earth I was going to get out of here without looking like a complete idiot.

I nodded, I still blasted the band’s music, although maybe this new development would change that. All the lyrics had suddenly lost meaning to me. At least that was what I was telling myself.

“I bet you thought about me when you made love to your bookish boyfriends.”

I shook my head again, but I was being honest now. I hadn’t. Mainly because I hadn’t had a boyfriend since Ryan, and I hadn’t made love. Ever.

His eyes narrowed and he let out a small chuckle then put both hands back on my hips, and before I could react he spun me around until I was the one against the door.

God, I hated that he was right. I did want him, or maybe I just wanted Vax. But I hated how sure of himself he was. He pressed his lips to my neck, and I bit back a moan.

He had me in a bathroom, melting beneath his hands, and if I’d given him half a chance he would have taken me on the vanity.

Not with Xavier .

I pushed him away, then slapped him hard in the face.

“Stay away from me.” I warned. “I’m not fooled by this.” I said pointing to his get up.

“This?” He laughed. “You mean me.”

I walked out of the bathroom and back downstairs. I stayed quiet through dinner, and I kept eye contact with anyone to a bare minimum, even Isla.

“You okay?” Isla whispered finally.

I nodded and took a sip of my wine, while I wished it was whiskey or bourbon or vodka or some other kind of hard liquor.

“It’s Xavier.” I replied. Vax wasn’t real. “And I’m not being weird.”

“He keeps looking at you, you know; like he wants to devour you.” She leaned in and whispered. “What the heck is that about?”

I just shrugged, and pretended I had no idea what she was talking about.

My head shot up in Xavier’s direction, as did everyone else’s in the large dining room. Xavier stood up and pulled a small piece of paper from his jeans pocket. He threw it down in front of Marc.

Marc took the check and ripped it up. He looked around the table at all the eyes on him, then up at Xavier, then finally he dipped his head.

“No, I’m sorry.” He said. “I should have listened.”

Even when I thought they were two different people, I’d considered them both to be rough around the edges.

“Really?” He mumbled.

Why did I care, what hold did Xavier have on me. I took a deep breath and told myself that I really only cared about Marc and Janie. They’d been like my own Aunt and Uncle after all.

I didn’t realize I was still watching Xavier until our eyes met across the table. His soft kissable lips curved into a slight smirk, I wanted to feel them, taste them, and have them taste me.

I closed my eyes for a second, imagined what might have happened had I not left that bathroom.

My eyes shot opened. Xavier was still watching me, but his smirk was gone. His eyes were hungry though, and I knew he wanted me. I just didn’t know why.

I was nerdy, and shy and he’d hated me in high school.

“I’m not feeling well. I might go home.” I replied, coughing to help my case become even a little believable.

Mom, who was sitting to my right placed her hand to my forehead and clicked her tongue

“You’re feeling hot. Maybe you should stay here tonight.” She suggested.

“I’m okay. It’s just a cold. I’ll uh, slip out quietly.” I murmured.

I stood up and walked out the back door without another word.

I hoped no one else had realized, I hoped he hadn’t realized.

I neglected the shower I’d promised myself and walked down the hallway to my room. I opened the closet and pulled down an old shoe box with stuff I’d kept from college.

I tipped the contents on to my bed and rifled through it all. Movie stubs, Polaroid’s, little memento’s I’d thought were precious and priceless.

A folded up poster. It had been on my wall for my last two years of college, just when the band’s fame was really just taking off. I carefully unfolded it and lay it on my bed.

Vax held his guitar, his hair was covering most of his face. But I could see one of his hypnotizing hazel eyes, and that same smirk he’d given me at dinner.

Maybe my virginity was causing me to act like a thirsty person in a desert. I was seeing shit that just wasn’t real.

I looked down at the ground, away from the poster. My cat Asteroid circled my feet, weaving in and out. Begging for food. I bent down and picked him up.

He purred in response and pushed his head against my cheek.

I placed Asteroid back down then walked down the hallway in to the kitchen and set out dinner for the cats.

I stood there watching as they ate, both amused and distressed at my burgeoning cat lady status.

I lay back on the couch and tried to forget for a moment who was singing it, because the words had always connected with me. I’d always felt like it was my song.

She’s afraid of her own skin

Sweet lips, but won’t try to use them

She looks at me, with her crystal blue gems.

And she says,

Tell me, I’m worth it

Tell me, I’m not alone

Cos I’ve been holding on, for too long

My mind is aching, my heart it breaking

I opened my eyes and stopped singing. How could Xavier of all people, have written something so poetic.

I knew Vax was the sole writer I’d seen the writing credits, and if Vax was Xavier, then he’d written it.

Mr. ‘I’m so moody and I don’t have romantic feelings’ had written the one song that touched me so deep on a personal level.

Then, like the true spinster I was, I fell asleep, watching crap on television.

I woke up the next morning, still fully dressed, with all four cats resting their heads on me in one way or another.

Watch it, you’re living a wild life Scarlett Jackson.

Thank god for work. When I was there I could forget everything, the kids became my focus. Being there reminded me of a simpler time in my life. A time when I didn’t really know what fame was.

I was just a kid and it was just my life. Until high school happened and everything changed.

Dad didn’t like him much, but I thought that it was normal for a dad to dislike his daughter’s potential suitors. In hindsight, I think he could probably see something I couldn’t.

We had arranged to meet out the front at 9pm. He had work, and couldn’t get there before then. When I arrived, one of my other friends told me he was inside waiting for me in a bedroom.

I pushed open that bedroom door, and well… Let’s just say, what I saw was straight out of a dirty movie. Until that point of my life I’d never seen anything sexual.

They didn’t even stop once they realized I was there. Ryan, who was drunk even asked me to join them.

Faced with the risqué scene I was surprised to find I wasn’t brokenhearted. Ryan had never lit that spark in me.

I was hurt though, my friends had used me, and laughed at me, and had done things far crueler than even Xavier had ever done. I withdrew myself from their group, and from life in general.

The rest of the tape was my friend, but the video didn’t show her face. The media decided it was me. I was the girl in the video.

My father was angry at first, with me for being so dumb. For giving myself to someone I clearly didn’t love.

After Ryan and the whole best friend, spread eagle, legs in the air visual extravaganza in high school and the resulting “daughter of rock star caught up in high school sex tape.” stories, I’d learned not to be so trusting of peoples motives.

I’d learned to lie to my parents and deny I liked music, or that I was even any good at it. Because I was scared of getting hurt.

I shook the memory from my mind and headed to the bathroom. I had a shower and changed into a pair of blue jeans and a faded blue t-shirt.

I’d learned fairly early that working with young children meant mess, stains, and even the occasional bodily excrement would find its way on to my clothes.

Once I was dressed I left the bedroom and walked back down the hall to the kitchen.

Vax just meowed in my direction and sauntered away from me.

“I guess your attitude kind of matches Xavier’s you moody thing.” I mused as I walked to the fridge.

The kids distracted me as I’d known they would and for the first three hours of my 6 hour shift I forgot everything that had happened in the past 24 hours.

Then half way through my shift I heard the front door open, and that’s when my day took a serious dive.

Her eyes were wide and fixed on the door. She put down the orange crayon she was holding and began to fan her face with a piece of ridged cardboard from the craft table.

“You’ll never guess who just walk in the door.”

“I’m not here.” I groaned. “This isn’t happening.”

Karen grabbed my elbow and pulled me in closer. The kids around us shook their heads like we were crazy. I didn’t blame them.

“He’s walking toward you.” She mumbled.

The word ‘friend’ stung my tongue like a poison. We’d never been friends, so why was he here, how had he even known where I worked in the first place.

I shook my head, I didn’t need a lunch break, and I didn’t need to speak to Xavier more than to tell him to leave.

I spun around on my feet, and almost double backed into the table. Xavier stood there, inches away from me, I could feel the warmth of his body radiating toward me.

He followed behind me, out the side door and along the playground. We walked up a small bank away from the building and sat on the grass. Neither one of us spoke for some time.

I’d let him say what he came to say, but I wouldn’t look at him, not after how my body had rebelled against me the night before.

“I’m sorry.” He said finally, His words were loaded, but I still couldn’t tell what he was apologizing for. He wasn’t going to get away with it that easy. I needed clarification.

Xavier took a long slow breath and ran his hand over his tied back locks before he finally said “Both, I guess.”

High school was more than a painful topic for me, especially when a large part of it was to do with him.

“Last night? Or in High school?” He questioned, mirroring my earlier question.

“I was an idiot in high school.

“You hung around with fake idiots who used you. I hated it.”

“So you humiliated me, why didn’t you just tell me?”

Want? Who the hell was talking about want? Did he want me? Is that why he’d….

My breathing hitched in my throat and I had to look away. Goddammit. Even knowing that Xavier and Vax were one in the same person hadn’t done anything to dampen my irrational feelings.

I was suddenly very glad that the cool air had the kids inside, because this was not a conversation for a preschool. Xavier was teetering on the edge of acceptable behavior.

An edge I figured he’d balanced on for years.

“My one crazy night with a rock star.” stories. He was a serial one-night-stand only kind of a guy. I’d always fantasized that I’d meet Vax and cure him of his wicked ways, but that wasn’t possible.

“I have a type?” He laughed.

“No you’re right, I have a pulse that seems to be your only prerequisite.” I shot back at him, my voice was callous.

I smiled, proud I had grown a backbone in the 11th hour, proud I had said something.

“You weren’t welcome to begin with.” I retorted as I stood up.

Xavier began to walk down the bank, then he stopped and turned back toward me. His face was inches from mine, I could feel his hot heavy breath against my face.

“You of all people should realize the media doesn’t get the whole story. But whatever, believe what you like.” He stalked off, leaving me standing alone cold and suddenly sad.

A minute ago I’d felt alive with want, but now I felt empty and guilty.

My sanctuary had been invaded by him, and now it was forever changed.

Thank god for the weekend, When my shift ended I couldn’t get away from the place fast enough. I was already dialing Isla’s number before I got to my car.

“I was…. until he showed up at work.” I complained, I was aware I sounded like a brat, but after the last 24 hours, I was beyond caring.

He’d invaded my space and was confusing me with each minute I had to be in his presence.

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s go out.” I said, I tried to sound excited, even though it was the last thing I really wanted to do.

“Wait, What?” She repeated, except this time she sounded even more shocked.

“Out, drinking, dancing… out.” My worst nightmare.

“I thought that was what you meant, you don’t do night clubs.”

I frowned, annoyed my favorite band was tainted by Xavier Smith. Being completely unlike myself for once sounded like the just the thing I needed.

“Trust me, I need to tonight.” I pleaded. “Please.”

Though I didn’t know what she meant by ‘new’, because they were all new to me, I wasn’t about to question her. Tonight I would let loose, new club, old club or no club.

It was stupid considering I was 23, but my age didn’t make the feeling go away.

I drove home in silence. Afraid that if I turned the radio on, it would be just my luck that a ‘Going Nowhere’ song would play, it had been that kind of day.