The Devil's Mercy

Mercy

After climbing into the ACV, Mom tells him to take us to a pizza parlor nearby. It must be new because I don’t recognize it.

Cami threw on a tank top and a pair of shorts, but it still looks like something she would wear around the set.

One reason why I hate going in public with them is how the outside world will stare at us—specifically, at them.

In general, I don’t like to be stared at. I don’t like the public. I don’t care for the attention. I order everything I can online. Anything I can get delivered, I do.

I’m not a fan of the social aspect of our community.

Eli is quiet on the ride over as Mom and Cami drill me with question after question. I don’t answer most of them, answering a question with another question to keep them off my case.

I know I haven’t been home in a while, but damn! If I wanted to talk about it, I would. Take the hint.

When I give a sarcastic comment back that makes Cami mad and roll her eyes, I see Eli trying to cover his own laugh. At least he has a sense of humor.

Finally, we arrive at Mateo’s Pizzeria. Everything seems to be fine, clean enough, everything in order for a run-of-the-mill pizzeria. I sit at a party booth even though I voted for a table.

I slide in, then Cami. Spacing myself, I go to the opposite end of the booth. I guess Eli doesn’t get the hint since he sits right next to me.

The waiters come by to take our order. Every one of them has something alcoholic, while I got ice water.

Every second I’m around my family reminds me of how just different we are.

When we order, it’s the same. Cami and Mom get a whole wheat pizza with no sauce and no cheese, only spinach—if you can call that a pizza, which I don’t.

I order a supreme pizza with extra cheese and ranch dressing. The diet duo smack their lips in unison and yell out a “yum.”

They ask me more about what I’ve been up to. Most of it I’m able to reflect back and then just listen to Mom and Cami tell me about their lives.

How Mom is woman of the year and has futures in playgirl magazines. How Cami is the highest grossing cam model for this quarter, and how she’s thinking of doing things a little different on her live feeds.

Some of the guys she has been seeing, some stuff about her room, and how she knows if her car is a girl or boy.

I listen to it all as we wait for our food to come out.

“So, Mercy, how’s school going?” My mom smiles at me from across the table.

I shrug it off, trying not to go into it any more. I really just don’t like talking about myself.

“Yeah, are you still going for your English thing or whatever?” Cami asks.

“Well, I’ve already got my English thing or whatever,” I tease her.

“What?” Cami asks.

“You still have two years, baby.” My mom’s face is confused, but there is also a little worry puddling up in her eyes.

“Well, I did originally. But Dad… he needed me to finish with it sooner. So I just doubled my workload.” I start to twist the paper of my straw.

My mom audibly gasps, while Cami screeches out a loud “WHAT?!” that can be heard throughout the restaurant.

“Mom, you didn’t miss anything. I didn’t walk with my class or have a gown. There was no tassel to turn.

“One day I just went to the office building and picked it up. There wasn’t a ceremony or anything like that.”

My sister Cami tosses back a shot and clicks her tongue at me.

My mom, however, looks sad.

I always hated that look on her face when she was working through whatever was going on in her mind. Like she was having some type of invisible conversation with herself.

My mom is one of warmth and kindness. She never has a bad thing to say to anyone and she is so loving and kind. I hate being the one thing she struggles to keep that up with.

“So what is it that the POS needed you to hurry up so fast for?”

Cami has every right to think of our dad as a piece of shit. He is. Let’s be fair.

Our father is a preacher in the hills of Kentucky. It didn’t go over well with him having a wife leave him, turn into a porn star, and have one of his twin daughters be a cam model.

Out of all the love the Bible holds, our father picks and chooses what to use so he can be as lawless and self-righteous as he can.

I’m the only one he will have any type of conversation with.

“I was writing for his church’s newsletter.” I take a sip of my water so I can be done with it. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I really don’t want to get into this.

Smacking her lips, she levels her finger across the table. “So that’s what you’re doing here.”

She acts as if she has me all figured out. I hate when she does this. She is always so dead set that she’s right, and she never is.

Always in the worst ways.

“Oh? And what’s that?”

Let’s hear it then.

“You’re here to come check out our dirty little sinful ways so you can run back to dear old Dad so he can talk shit about us again!” She says it like she has all the information, every fact down to prove it.

I let out a mocking laugh, just to piss her off.

“Not even close—but go ahead and try again.”

“Now, girls. It doesn’t matter why Mercy has come home. It just matters that she is home. I’ve missed you so much, baby.”

She steps in to play referee like always. But I know she means it. My family and I may not see eye to eye ever, but I always know I’m loved by them.

“Thanks, Mom.” I rub a nail into one of my nail beds, trying not to make it noticeable.

“How long do we get to keep you for, baby?” my mom asks.

“I don’t know yet.”

“When does your dad have your ticket for? It’s been too long since we’ve got to have you.”

Yeah, I know.

The last time I came home, I was seventeen. And I was angry. I was so very angry at everything and everyone. I just couldn’t control it.

I’m doing better now. I can cope better, manage myself better.

I know that’s why she phrased it the way she did.

Because of last time.

***

It was meant to be for the summer.

Our dad had always flown with me to drop me off and flown back in when he needed to pick me up. He handled everything. I didn’t get much of a say when and for how long.

The courts had the most, but you know what they say.

The devil works harder.

It had always felt like Mom and Cami always clicked better. They were just so alike. So when I came back, it felt like it had only gotten worse. I felt like I didn’t belong with them.

One day Cami and I had gotten into a fight. She said, “If Dad wants you so much, then what the fuck are you even doing here?”

Mom had intervened, and when she asked me “how long are you staying?” it felt like they didn’t want me there.

After Mom pulled us apart, I went back to Dad’s, and I’d stayed there ever since.

That last time was the very last time.

***

“Hey Franni, did you see that report I sent for the new locations I found?” Eli takes the spotlight off me.

At least he isn’t totally useless.

He and Mom go back and forth, letting more and more of their work mode slip in until I am forgotten about and get a break from being in the firing line.

The conversation dulls whenever I feel his eyes on me, looking me up and down for whatever part of me he can see that isn’t being blocked out by the round table top.

“What college did you go to?” he asks.

“Kentucky state,” I murmur, with the barest movement of my lips.

“Wildcat, huh? Yeah, I could see that.” He winks at me and smiles with half of his face.

My ongoing streak of bad luck appears, changing the color of the apple of my cheeks to bright red.

“Oh my gosh, Eli! Look at her, you made her blush! I don’t think anyone has ever done that.”

Thanks for that, Cami.

“I didn’t blush. I’m just hungry.”