Illicit Cravings

REID

I felt slightly fuzzy. My body hummed in drunken lust; everyone around me was too sweaty and too close. My dance partner gyrated his sculpted body with mine, and I purred under his caresses.

His hands were all over my body. I was high, kissing his full lips, feeling his hunger as he deepened our kiss.

Linc, Maxwell, Ronnie, oh hell... I’m not even gonna try to call him by his name anymore. My brain is too intoxicated to think.

“Reid, babe, you wanna get out of here?” the sexy unnamed man asked, kissing my neck while his hands slipped under my worn and slightly too-tight T-shirt, feeling my naked back.

“Hmm...,” I hummed, still wrapping my hands around the back of his neck, letting him sensually kiss, suck, and lick my throat.

Goddamn, I love this. It’s the good party favors. Is it the little blue pill? Or maybe it’s the bright pink ones? Oh, fuck it.

I was dancing it off just like half of the people on the dance floor.

The club was packed with students and strangers. It was the nearest gay bar within the campus limit, and after midterm ended, all the gays decided to flock here, my dancing partner included.

He was the campus jock, and I was the party animal, all wild and free like the little rich boy that I was. Just turned twenty, still a freaking virgin.

Hmm... maybe I should let this guy poke me.

“Why don’t we go to my car? We can blow each other off,” I said, biting his ear after pulling him down and nibbling on it.

“Let’s go.”

That’s all it took for my night at the club to end.

Rick, Eric, Adam, oh... fuck it, why am I even trying?

I finished my bottled water and let him grab my waist and usher me away from the dance floor.

“Fuck, you’re so fucking beautiful,” the big football player whispered as he grinded his body with mine.

My car was tinted, and he was grabbing my body, unbuttoning my jeans, stroking my dick, and I moaned like the little whore that I was.

“Babe, damn…” He voraciously sucked my cock, and I let out a nnggh while he smirked, moving his hands to my legs, and they languidly parted wider to make space for him.

I was high. I was hard. I was forgetting all of my failures. And it didn’t take long before I climaxed, then he moved up to fuck my mouth until I swallowed his load.

I still hadn’t got his name when he left me half naked in my car in the darkening parking lot.

I locked my doors, cleaned my body with my stash of baby wipes, and tears started to fall as I drowned myself back in depression.

It took me another hour of trying to get rid of my sluggishness before I gave up and called my driver to pick me up.

Less than an hour later, we arrived at my place. I let him help me into my apartment, and he scolded me for partying too hard.

“Mr. Ryker, you should stop making your parents worry about you.”

“Pfft, please, Miller, you know that nothing I do will make them worry.”

I felt like a true brat the second the words left my mouth.

“And stop calling me Mr. Ryker. I’m not that old.”

Miller had been with my family since I was in elementary school. He was the only one who really knew what happened and the only one that I’d let scold me.

The man didn’t say anything further—he put two bottles of water on my side table, took off my shoes, and tucked me in before turning off the lights.

“I’ll get your car and put the keys on the kitchen counter. I’ll see myself out.”

I rarely drove—almost never. Last night was only one of a couple of times I decided to take my car to go to a club since I didn’t want Miller lecturing me about clubbing and hooking up with random strangers.

“Thanks, Miller,” I mumbled and drifted off to sleep.

***

The sun was barely up when my nightmare was back. I woke up, my body drenched with sweat, my hands shaking, my chest twisted with indescribable pain.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

I sat up and took a deep breath, trying to relax but failed multiple times before I finally managed to feel a bit better and breathe a bit easier.

“I can’t do this anymore. Fuck you, Landon. Fuck you for leaving me.” I sobbed, cursing at my dead brother, and hugged myself.

Minutes later, I got out of bed and wobbled my way to the bathroom to grab my sleeping pills.

I just need to sleep it off. I need to let the feelings go away.

I could still hear my dad’s voice in my head; his disappointment was as clear as day.

My body relaxed as I took a handful of pills and washed them down with tap water. I looked at myself in the mirror—bags under my eyes, nose red from too much crying, lips still puffy from my last hookup.

My apartment was still dark when I managed to get out of the bathroom.

The chill was too much, so I dropped back onto my bed and cocooned myself under the covers, waiting for the pills to take me into the darkness.

My fingers still wrapped the pill bottle like a lifeline; I had thought about it too many times already.

It’ll be easier. My parents will be happier.

Without thinking further, I took the rest of the pills, emptied the bottle, drank the water left by Miller, and closed my eyes once again.

This time I was smiling as the darkness finally came to me.

I thought I’d be free.

Instead, I woke up with tremendous pain in my chest and stomach. I was lying on a hospital bed. Miller was at my side while my parents were at the end of the bed talking to a doctor.

“Fuck.” I breathed out my curse. Miller shook his head, telling me quietly that my parents were in the room.

I’m still alive, stupid…stupid…stupid, I can’t even kill myself the right way.

“Welcome back, my son. You didn’t die. Thank you, Miller, for checking up on Reid. Now that you’re awake, we will leave you to Dr. Wagner and Miller. He will stay with you until you’re better.”

My parents didn’t explain themselves further, and I didn’t need to know. They were probably sick of me already.

I knew Mom would probably be busy with Dad’s staff making sure her pill-popping son incident didn’t reach the media.

Miller put his hand on mine the second my parents and Dr. Wagner were out of the door.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Not dead,” I said. My voice croaked, and I flinched from the raw pain in my throat.

“Yeah, sorry about the pain, but they had to pump your stomach. Here.” Miller helped me with a glass of water, and I slowly drank the liquid. My throat still hurt, but it was better.

“When can I get out of here?”

“They’re keeping you overnight for observation. Tomorrow we can go back to your place. Your parents pulled some strings, so they’re not keeping you here for the psych evaluation.

“But there’s a mandatory visit that will be scheduled, and I’ll take you there personally.”

I groaned and looked at him. “You have a family. You don’t need to do this.”

Miller loved his little family, I knew ’cause he’d told me so, and I didn’t want to make him stay with me longer than necessary. His family needed him to be home.

“I volunteered. I told your dad you need someone with you. At least for a couple of days. Gia will understand.”

Gia was his wife; he introduced me once when she came to pick him up. He talked about her every now and then. She even baked me a cake for my birthday last year, and Miller dropped it off at my apartment.

“You’re a good guy, Miller.”

“So your near-death experience gets you all sappy now?” he teased as I huffed back and lay back on the pillow. He laughed, telling me to rest while he was going outside to get some coffee.

But he turned around when he reached the doorway and continued his words. “Look, just don’t do it again, okay? You only live once. You shouldn’t want to end it soon.”

I conjured my best smile and gave him that.

I wish I have the same vision of life as he does.

Maybe I’ll try better next time.