What It Means to Love

PETRA

I boarded the plane without looking back. If I had, I wouldn’t be able to leave my homeland or the many memories that eerily oppressed my heart.

I decided to take a muscle relaxant to endure the seventeen-hour flight to my destination.

Thank God I only had a layover in Belgrade. Although I was on the family’s private jet, we couldn’t fly that many hours without refueling.

That meant that unfortunately, I had too much time for my brain to flood my mind with images of the past.

I knew one thing for sure: Fiodor would not want to see what I had become. If he were here, he would be scolding me for throwing my life away.

It was just that the stabbing pain in my chest didn’t want to go away. I tried not to let it hurt, but it was useless.

I knew it was all my mind’s fault.

It didn’t want to let go of the memory of my husband, of his kisses, his tender caresses, his sweetness, his romanticism, his jokes, and his gentleness as he touched me when he made love to me.

That was what had made me fall in love with him. Fiodor was like a teddy bear who wrapped his body around me, making me feel safe.

Living in a family of gang members and seeing violence all the time, I wanted something different for my love life.

I wanted a man who would bare his soul to me and treat me like the most delicate flower in his garden.

Granted, I wasn’t criticizing my father and brother’s brusqueness. My mother and sister-in-law were more than happy with them.

They were dominant women who needed to know that their man could protect them under any circumstances.

They were like lionesses. If they didn’t see the strength and power of their male, they weren’t able to give their hearts.

It even seemed that this was what made my little sister Anya fall in love with her husband. Now they even shared their pleasure in torturing others.

Or at least that was what Nikolay had told me when he saw her skillfully take care of one of those involved in the kidnap of his son Piero.

Her son. The one that life gave her with Patrick; the one who was a little light in her family and who, along with my daughter, would have been an exceptionally happy child.

The daughter I would never have the joy of seeing, because my little girl died before she could light my path. My beautiful girl, my beloved angel.

When I had awakened from my coma, I wanted to go back to sleep.

Once I learned I would never again be able to see Fiodor’s smile or hear his voice tore my soul apart. My heart-rending cries forced the doctors to sedate me to calm me down.

But history repeated itself with the news of my miscarriage from my injuries.

Although I understood that if they had saved my baby they couldn’t save me, that was just what tore me apart again and again: that without me she couldn’t live, but without her I could.

When I was discharged, the doctor told me it was a girl. Just what Fiodor had wanted: a girl.

I cried for weeks until I told myself it was enough. I had isolated myself from everyone before becoming the bitter, defiant, and deathless being that I was now.

I didn’t want to love again, because if I did, the fear of losing it would kill me.

That was why I’d made the decision to seek out men who were the opposite of my late husband.

I wanted rough guys who fucked without feelings, who weren’t interested in romance, who only cared about getting pleasure.

***

“Petra, it’s so good to see you! I can’t believe you’re here in Chicago!”

The voice greeting me was my friend and classmate Nina, who upon hearing of my arrival came to meet me at the airport.

“I can’t believe it, either,, but it was either this or my family would imprison me so I’d stop getting into trouble and risking my life with extreme sports,” I answered, shrugging.

“Here we can have fun in less drastic ways. For example, I know this exclusive club with an awesome dance floor and the guys are great to get your panties wet,” she said happily.

“Oh, Nina, you don’t change,” I said, shaking my head as we got into the car waiting to take me to my new home.

“And you, stop being so self-righteous and enjoy your life. You’re a widow, not a nun. I’m sorry if you feel bad, but you’re 28 years old, Petra!

“How long are you going to mourn Fiodor’s death? It’s been a year, honey. Blaming yourself for not being the one who died won’t bring him back to you.”

Her words made me start to cry.

“I know, and that’s why I’m here. I need a change in my life, and maybe this is the right place to start from scratch,” I answered as I wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling.

“When do you have to join the company?” she asked.

“Monday, so I have three days to get settled in the penthouse my brother bought and decorated for me,” I said, and she looked at me with wide eyes.

“Nikolay bought you a penthouse here in Chicago?! I knew you had money, but not that much,” she said, and a feeling of guilt came over me. She didn’t know what my family does.

“Well, I actually bought it myself,” I added, because I didn’t want to give explanations that could get us in trouble.

“I don’t know if you knew that my husband was an oilman. My brothers-in-law are in charge of the family business.

“I only attend the board meetings when there is something important to discuss, because I can’t stand working there without Fiodor.”

Nina smiled, and I knew that several not-very-good ideas were going through her mind.

“I didn’t know that your husband was a millionaire. Remember, I couldn’t attend your wedding, and I didn’t know him personally.

“I understand that you didn’t want to take over Fiodor’s position, but to come to the other side of the world to work under the orders of who knows what idiot? I don’t get it.”

Neither do I, I thought with a sigh.

“I hope he’s not cocky, because he’ll have to deal with me.

“I’m no longer the silly girl who lets herself be pushed around, always putting her head down and saying yes to everything because she doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”

My friend looked at me and laughed.

“I want to see that, my dear. You’re still a sweetie pie.

“I think that even if your boss is a grump or a despot, you’ll follow him like a lapdog so he doesn’t get angry, and you’ll comply with all his demands.”

She snickered, and it annoyed me that she underestimated me like that.

“You’ll see. Of course you will. I’m not to be trifled with, Nina.

“Changing the subject, what do you say we take advantage of the three days I have off before I start work?” I asked as we parked in the building’s parking lot.

As she got out, she started jumping up and down like a little girl, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think it’s great! Today we’ll keep things quiet so you can recover from the jet lag, and then tomorrow we’ll go to that club I told you about.

“It’s very difficult to get in, but having a millionaire friend means there won’t be any problem,” she said while we were in the elevator. I was already regretting having called her.

Nina was a nice girl, but she was a little crazy. She came from a good family. Her father was a diplomat.

Since Nina was not married, she traveled with her parents to every destination her father was assigned to.

She needed to grow up and think about her future, though, not so much about partying and fun.

“Okay, but don’t abuse it, Nina. I love you, but if I have to stop going out with you, I will.

“We aren’t teenagers. We’re adults, which means you should work and not waste your time,” I said, entering my new house. She looked at me and nodded.

“I know. It’s just that…when I was going to start my own company in Russia three years ago, Dad was posted here and everything went down the drain.

“The banks would only accept my application on the condition that he would be the CEO of the company.

“I was so angry that I decided to give up my dreams and continue to be a servant,” she said. This made me sad, because our macho society had taken its toll on her.

“Calm down, my friend. At some point, if you decide to work again in what you studied and go back to Russia, you could do it in Fiodor’s family’s company,” I said encouragingly, and her eyes lit up.

“But do you think the men in your family would let me be CEO of the oil company?” Her question made me laugh.

“My friend, I am the majority partner of the oil company. Fiodor owned 60 percent because he built it all by himself, invested, and worked hard to get it where it is today.

“His two younger brothers have 10 percent each, and his father has the remaining 20 percent.” Nina’s mouth opened wider and wider as I spoke, ending in a big “ohh” that made me laugh.

“So even if they wanted to, they couldn’t say no to your decisions!” Nina said. “It’s a great proposal. I assure you that I’ll think about it and I’ll answer you later.

“Now I understand even less why you’d come to work on the other side of the world as a simple employee of someone who might be a nuisance, when you’re the owner of an oil company!” she said, shaking her head.

“I’m not ready to move into Fiodor’s office. Everything reminds me of him, and I just can’t bear the thought of being in that place knowing I’ll never see him again.

“You know what? I wanted to sell my shares to get rid of everything, and my brother wouldn’t let me,” I said sadly.

“I give Nikolay a ten. Are you stupid? How could you sell your husband’s shares?

“I understand that you are very hurt and don’t feel ready to face such a responsibility, but if he left you as his only heir, it was because he wanted you to carry on his legacy no matter what.

“I understand everything a little better now, and I promise I will think about your proposal.

“If’ things don’t work out the way I want with the guy I’m seeing, I might decide to go back to my roots.

“There’s no better way to do it than with a well-paying job,” she said, raising her eyebrows, and I swatted her arm.

“Okay, you taking my words seriously makes me feel more comfortable. Oh, but please no means tell anyone who I am.

“I don’t want anyone to know that I don’t need to work.

“Now, let’s get some rest for tomorrow so we can go to that damn disco,” I said with a yawn as I showed her the room where she was going to sleep.

“Don’t worry, no one will know you’re a multimillionaire oil company owner.” She looked at me teasingly and I raised an eyebrow in warning.

“I swear, no one will learn from me who you are.” She kissed me on the cheek and went into her room.

***

We had to stand in line to enter the popular club. There were a lot of people here, and the security guards didn’t let just anyone in.

When it was our turn, they looked at us arrogantly. I knew people like this and I hated them.

Before they could say anything, I showed them my Black card. They completely changed their behavior and let us pass without a word.

“I knew it, I knew it! As soon as they saw that you have money, they let you pass without any problem. Suck that, security! Ha!”…’’ Nina’s behavior surprised me’’.

“Calm down, Nina,” I said nervously.

“I know your father didn’t let you party with us, but I think you need to make up for lost time, to dance and drink until you lose control.

“And if a hot guy shows up, don’t think about it. Just get laid. You need it!” said this crazy woman, and I blushed.

I felt strange. Nina made me dress very provocatively. I wore a tight gray dress that left nothing to the imagination. It had a plunging neckline in the back and in the front, the gathered fabric marked my breasts.

The length should be almost to the knee, but as I walked it rode up, making it much shorter. I was nervous because men did not stop looking at us.

I wasn’t used to it, so I asked for a bottle of vodka to be sent to our table. Maybe if I started drinking I would relax.

***

After four shots, I was ready to dance shamelessly. I moved my hips to the rhythm of the music as if the place was just for me and no one was around to watch me.

It was the first time in a year that I didn’t feel empty. If someone talked to me, I thought I’d find out how far I’ was capable of going.

“Pretty girl, would you like to dance with me?” a very attractive man said to me.

“Of course,” I answered, moving closer to him.

His hands went to my hips and although the feeling bothered me a little, I didn’t say anything. After two dances and three more shots, I let him kiss me.

Unfortunately, his tongue making contact with mine didn’t give me the release I was hoping for.

His hands ran up and down the sides of my body without a hair on my head lighting up.

I took him to the bathroom to see if my mood changed with fewer people around, and at least I got a little wet giving free rein to passion.

He continued kissing me, licking my neck and rubbing my buttocks.

After a few minutes, though, I gently stopped him and told him that I’m sorry, that I think he’s a very nice man but that he didn’t arouse me at all.

At least to fuck I should feel something. Otherwise what’s the point, right? I thought after talking to him.

He looked at me like I had two heads and said I must be frigid. He started insulting me, but I didn’t care.

I wasn’t going to fuck someone who didn’t inspire even the slightest sinful thought or give me goosebumps.

After pulling down my dress that had ridden up, I left the bathroom to continue dancing without anyone bothering me.

As I turned the corner, I bumped into a six-foot-two mountain of a man who looked at me in a penetrating way.

If he was like he used to be, he would intimidate me. But now he turns me on, leaving me unsettled.

“That was a quick fuck, brunette. Are you so desperate that you don’t care who puts it in you?” he asked, licking his lips.

I looked at him without understanding anything.

“Excuse me?” I asked, both to corroborate that I didn’t mishear and to cool the heat that invaded me when I heard his deep voice.

“I could make you enjoy it and scream like the loser you were dancing with couldn’t.

“I could tell by looking at him that he didn’t make you horny when he kissed you.

“I, however, could take you to heaven with my words alone, without even touching you, because it seems that you can’t get anyone to leave you satiated,” the Greek god whispered mockingly in my ear.

I wanted to hit him for treating me as if I were a whore.

“Before allowing someone as arrogant as you to touch even one hair on my head, I’d rather be fucked by all the other men here.

“Even if they can’t get a single moan out of me,” I spat and stormed out, leaving him speechless.

“He must be an asshole. Who does he think he is? I won’t even let him touch me when I’m drunk,” I said angrily as I walked toward the center of the dance floor.