Shadows & Spells

KELLY

After replacing the bulb and vacuuming the rug for any smaller pieces of glass, I sat at the end of my queen-size bed and examined the room, exhaling a breath that at least wasn’t a sob.

This fucking sucked. An erratic whimper broke through my lips. Shit. I rubbed my face, pressing my palms into my eyes, reveling in the stars that burst behind my eyelids. ~In and out, Kel.~

There was no way I could teach tomorrow. I knew myself. I would be the walking dead twelve hours from now. Glazed eyes, an occasional sob, an intense desire to wear nothing but sweats.

Not teaching material.

I picked up my dead phone and plugged it in and waited a minute for it to charge back up, thinking. Bec. She’d be the best for this. She had my period free and was the best choice right now.

She answered on the second ring. “Heyyyyy. Holy shit, have you looked at these freshman exams? Ummffhh. I’ve already marked four fails, and I was being generous.”

I gave her a perfunctory chuckle that didn’t reach my cheeks. “No, I haven’t touched them yet. Listen, I need a favor.”

“Shoot,” she quickly replied.

“I…uh, I can’t make my freshman tomorrow. It’s my moderating class; can you cover it, please?”

Silence on the other end.

“Sure, of course. I mean, yeah.”

I gave an audible exhalation. “Great, thanks. They know what to do. Just go with them, and don’t let the slackers in the back go without giving them an odd question or two.”

My voice was starting to break.

“Kellllll, what’s going on?”

“Okay… I came home today, and Chad had already moved his things out. He was on the couch, ready to break up with me.” A little teary, but there were no sobs, which was an improvement.

“Fuuuuuuuck. Motherfucker. God, Kel. I’m sorry. You okay?”

Another long exhalation. “Yeah, I’m okay. No, not really, but I will be, eventually… I guess.” Another pathetic chuckle.

Bec saw through it. “I’m coming over and bringing pizza…and a voodoo doll.”

I started to voice a protest, but she cut me off. “Nope, can’t hear you. I’m already on my way.” She hung up, and I smiled at the phone.

Thirty minutes later, we were picnicking on my living room rug with two pies, Merlot, and napkins.

I recounted the last two hours of my life and my suspicions about the other woman while she chewed on her pizza in silence for a few moments.

“And this totally came out of the blue?”

I nodded, not yet trusting my voice.

She looked around the apartment, seemingly trying to imagine the scene like it was a play on the stage, before looking back at me. “You know what? Fuck that guy.”

I nodded my head in lame support. Of course, she was right. It was what you said and did. Fuck that guy, you deserve better, other fish in the sea. But that wasn’t what I felt.

I was hot American trash compared to French soufflé. God, I just wanted to lie on my bed and curl up into a ball of grief and inconsolable misery.

“No, Kel. Look at me.”

I met her angry eyes.

“Fuck that guy, really. His name is ~Chad~, for Christ’s sake. He was a ~Chadddd~. You were always complaining about something, something minor, I know, but still. And we never liked him.”

My brow furrowed. “What? Who didn’t like him? When did this happen?”

“The whole gang,” she easily replied.

None of my friends liked him? There were only the core four of us, but still, Bec, Ben, and Chuck?

As Professor Brown’s doctoral student TAs in the earth science department at the University of Washington, we’d been thick as thieves since first year.

We were such a perfect fit, we’d even taken the Myers-Briggs test to prove it. Bec was the persuader, clearly. I was a giver, Ben was the thinker, and Chuck was most certainly a performer.

We worked, and we told each other everything. Or I’d thought we had.

“Why the hell didn’t anyone say anything? I dated him for two years!”

She arched her manicured brow like I was crazy.

But still, it felt like a small betrayal.

“Kelly Jones, what would you say if I came up to you in your happy relationship and said, ‘This guy is a jerk. Break up with him’? No one wants to be that friend, sorry.”

“I know, I just… I just hate feeling this way.” I hugged my stomach, trying to keep the pain from spilling out onto the floor, and she rubbed my back.

I looked up and saw her staring at the side table at the few pictures I’d had framed.

“Maybe you should go home for a few days?”

I glanced at the picture of my dad, kept front and center on the table. I thought of the only place beside Chad and my apartment that I’d called home.

Going back to the commune for a few days would be nice. It would be frickin’ cold, but I’d always enjoyed the winter in Western Washington.

My family’s commune stood on the Columbia River, facing the Wenatchi Indian Reservation. This land called to me.

It was why, when we’d discovered I’d had no discernible inherited talent from my mother’s side, that I’d chosen to become educated in the earth.

To learn what made her tick, how to help her grow, how to defend our land.

I thought over my schedule for the next month, and Bec continued, “I mean, I know your parents aren’t there anymore, but you still have a few aunts and cousins, right?”

I nodded in agreement. “That does sound pretty nice. I was planning on Christmas with Chad’s parents this year, so I guess that’s out.”

She gave me a sad smile and pushed my hair behind my ear. But then her eyes glinted, and her smile turned devious.

“Whaaaat??” I asked cautiously.

“We should go out.”

I barked out a laugh and looked at her. “Yeah, I’m sure I totally look the part, not to mention I have the boundless exuberance of a person ready to mingle.”

She played with my thick, wavy hair.

“Ohhh, I don’t know. You have definitely looked worse. Plus, you know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Chuck has been giving you eyes lately.”

Her eyebrows wiggled suggestively, and I laughed again and pointed to the door. “Okay, that’s it. Out!”

She raised her hands in surrender. “All right, I know, a little fast. And yes, I will go, but I’m leaving all of this.” She motioned to the pizza.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t eat anything,” she added as she went to the front door.

I hugged my waist. “I know, but who can eat when all their insides are mush?”

She slipped into her jacket and picked up her umbrella before giving me one last bear hug.

“Drink some wine, pass out, and sleep for half the day tomorrow, and I’ll take care of your poxy freshmen. I promise, things will seem a lot better after.”

I nodded in acquiescence, and I saw her eyeing my hair with that mischievous look again.

“No. Whatever it is, emphatically, no.”

“Kel, you would look great as a blonde.”

I pushed her out the open door with a smile. “I’m not there yet, thanks. But you’re the first person I’ll call if it comes to it.”

With that, I closed the door on her, resting my forehead next to the peephole. In and out, Kelly. My new mantra. It had to be.

I turned around and walked into the living room. The smallest thought of eating pizza was enough to make me nauseous. But wine? Wine I could do.

Pouring the last of the bottle and filling my glass, I then thought about Bec’s suggestion to sleep.

I opened the herb drawer and took out the jar of homegrown valerian root, then I took a generous pinch and added it to the wine.

I drained the glass and closed my eyes to listen to the apartment. Jesus, it was so quiet, painfully quiet. The silence was deafening and called for attention.

I went to my bed and lay down under the thick duvet.

The rain outside had calmed but not stopped. Fat drops sporadically fell onto the window, tears of rain, enough to let my mind wander but not go far.

As I closed my eyes, the last thing I thought of was my mother. After what I’d gone through tonight, I thought maybe she’d been right to keep my father a prisoner for thirteen years.