So It Goes

ANNA

His hands all over me. Bathing me in warm happiness.

His smiling face looking down at me. His sparkling, forest-green eyes.

“Miss Johnson, so nice of you to join us.” My teacher, Professor Peterson, says, pulling me back into the real world.

I stand there, eye to eye with that one person I didn’t expect nor want to see again, my professor peering over his shoulder.

What the fuck is he doing here?

“Miss Johnson!”

“Sorry, professor. Professor Stanford asked me to stay a little bit longer to talk about a paper I wrote.” I lie through my teeth, not making any nervous movements to let her know I’m lying.

“I know. Your classmates were so kind to tell us.” I nod and make my way towards my seat in the front row, without looking at the person in the front.

My professor walks over to the man who had once held my heart in his hands.

“As I was saying, this is James Brown, CEO of the JB Corporation in New York. They just opened a new office right here in Seattle and are looking for fresh minds. Since some of you will be graduating this year, I asked Mr. Brown to come here and say a few words about his corporation.” She says while looking at me.

I ignore James. I don’t want to see him. I can’t see him.

I can’t look him in the eye. It hurts.

He’s starting a new office right here?

When he left 4 years ago, he got the chance to be a CEO of a new company, but it looks like he took over the freaking company. Damn it, he’s here in Seattle.

James starts talking about the company and indeed it sounds like a great opportunity and if I was being honest, I would ask for a job interview since I’ll be graduating soon, but since it’s with him I don’t really want to.

I don’t want to work under him, hell no. I can’t rely on him, not anymore.

I have a job, a plan, a dream. A dream I will succeed in getting.

About an hour after, he asks if we have questions. The students start throwing questions, some are about the company, but most are just questions to get to know him. Like: ‘How old are you?’ ‘Do you have a girlfriend…’ Like why sit in this class if all you can do is flirt?

Suddenly, the teacher’s voice is running through my head. Why would I be thinking about that?

“Anna?”

“Miss Johnson?”

“Anna!” The teacher yells, snapping me out of my daydream.

“Yes?” I ask innocently.

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for like 5 minutes. Everything okay?” I nod.

“Sorry, I was just writing everything down.” I tell her, kind of honestly. I was writing things down before I was dreaming away, once again.

I really need to get my shit together.

But how do you do this when the man of your dreams, but also the one who broke your heart, is standing in the same classroom—acting like he never saw you before?

“I asked Mr. Brown to give you an interview, since you’ll be graduating soon.” My eyes widen—She did what?—and I look for the first time at James. He smirks, liking the fact that I need him.

Like I would actually need help.

“That’s very kind of you, professor, but that won’t be necessary,” I tell her with a smile.

“How so?” she asks me.

“I already have a job,” I tell her, and it’s true—at the bakery. That’s my dream. And I am so close. In a couple of years, I’ll take over the bakery. Once we are safe, I want to try to branch out, getting my pies and baked goods all over the country.

“Oh well, it never hurts anybody to have a backup plan,” she says with a smile.

She doesn’t know my situation, not all of it at least. Actually, no one on the faculty knows, except for Jim. I’ve spilled all about my past to him every Pasta Night for the past year.

James and I met when I was still in high school. He was in college, studying business through a shorter curriculum. He’s a couple of years older than me—I was 15 and he was 18. When he got this chance, at 19, to get his dream and get out of this town, I said I was going to be okay. And I was, until I wasn’t.

They say you never forget your first love, in my case it’s the truth.

What they forgot to mention was how much you would hate him afterwards. Hate him for making me feel I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t enough of a dream. My heart broke into thousands of pieces when I found out he changed his phone number.

I really thought he loved me.

I guess I was wrong.

“No, that’s true, and thank you so much, professor, but the contract is already signed, so not much I can do about it,” she sighs.

“Okay then. Congratulations, I know you’ll do great,” I smile at her and go back to make notes.

There are a couple more questions before she dismisses the class. I pack up my things and go as fast as I can towards the door. Just then, his voice makes me stop.

“Miss Johnson, please stay,” I roll my eyes at the formality of his tone.

Seriously, James?

The others give me angry glances as they make their way out of the classroom. I do my very best not to snap at them and be the bigger person.

Which is sometimes very hard.

“I appreciate the opportunity, Mr. Brown, but like I just said, the contract is already signed. I don’t really have anything more to say to you,” I say as professionally and politely as he said it to me.

“Now Anna, that’s not very polite,” my teacher says, disappointed.

“Sorry, professor, but I have to go. I do have a job to go to,” I say, apologizing.

Trying to use my work as an excuse, for I really don’t want to be here—talking to him.

“Oh, you have to go to work?” I nod.

“Like every day.”

James furrows his eyebrows, but keeps his mouth shut.

“What time do you start?” She asks with a daring look in her eyes.

Shit, she knows.

“In a half hour.” She nods.

“Well, this will only take 10 minutes and the bakery is 5 minutes away. I nod, damn it.

“Bakery?” James asks clearly surprised. He knows how much I love to bake, but apparently didn’t expect me to work there.

“Yes, sir.” I pull my backpack on my shoulder with the same arrogant tone.

“Damn it Anna…” He says angrily.

“What is it James? What could you possibly want from me?” I answer him angrily, not caring about politeness in any way anymore.

“Anna!” The teacher says surprised by my tone and angry at the same time.

“It’s okay, I deserve it.” He finally admits that he knows me.

“Good to know that you do remember me.” I say with the same angry tone, staring him right in the eye. He bends his head shamefully.

The teacher looks funny at our interaction.

“You two know each other.” She concludes, I wish she’d walk away. To give us some privacy, but it doesn’t look like she will do that.

“Yes.” James says.

“Kind of.” I tell her at the same time.

“A…”

“Just don’t!” I yell, smacking my hand against the desk next to him, making him shiver at my tone. I can’t take it, I can’t hear him saying the same nickname he’d use when we were still together.

Too many memories lie in that nickname.

The way he would touch me.

The way he would tell me he loved me.

The way he looked in my eyes.

The way he made me feel.

Maybe this is for the best that he remembers me this way, angry.

A way he never saw me before.

“I need to get home and change so please just tell me what you want, so I can do that.”

“I just wanted to know if you really didn’t need the job.”

“I said I didn’t, so why ask?”

“Because I know you.” I start laughing.

“You knew me 4 years ago. A lot has changed.”

“I can see that.” He says, looking at me.

“James, don’t do that.” The teacher warns him.

“She just looks so different, her parents have it comfortable, so I don’t understand why she looks like this, or why she is in this college. No offense.” He states putting his hands up in defense toward the professor.

Why didn’t he listen to the warning, why does he need to find out everything by himself?

I’m angry, so goddamn angry.

I’m doing everything in my power to get my education and to be a great mom at the same time. And here he comes to talk about my appearance.

The teacher shakes her head at him, when mentioning my parents. My face must be telling him how angry I’m getting.

“What did I say?”

I breathe in and out.

I breathe in and out.

I breathe in and out.

Until I’m calmed down.

“Like I said, a lot has changed. It’s none of your business, but because I know you, I’ll tell you.” He sighs and nods in my direction. Suddenly a smirk comes in the place.

“My parents kicked me out 4 years ago.” The smirk drops immediately, to be replaced with anger.

‘They did what?!’

“When?”

“How?”

“Why?” The angry questions go further and further.

James never liked my parents, hating the fact that they were so strict. Not letting us spend time together, telling me how to dress and send me on dates with good Christian boys.

Those boys were so disgusting... They were worse than pigs.

“I told you what you wanted to know, James. You got your explanation. That is much more than I got. You turned your back on me 4 years ago, left without a text telling you were okay. You didn’t stay in touch like you promised.”

He looks bewildered at me, like I just made him realize what kind of effect he had on me.

“I guess I don’t deserve that kind of love after all.’

“A...” I shake my head at the memory of the nickname, trying everything in my power not to see those flashes of memories.

“Respect this please, it’s the least you can do.”

“But..”

“If you loved me like you claimed, you’d leave me the hell alone!” I scream at him, trying to keep the tears at bay. I run out of the room as quickly as I can.

I can’t help but notice that James watches me all the way out of the building.