Cowboy Boots and Combat Boots

LINK

My eyes widened as I realized the face in front of me was Rowan’s.

My hands spasmed as I yanked them off his throat.

Rowan gasped and coughed, shoving away from me.

“Rowan,” I breathed, blinking the nightmare away and trying to make sense of what had happened. I still felt the sick panic of the memory.

Bewildered, I looked around.

Where the fuck am I?

Uneven blinds on the windows.

A banged-up coffee table by my leg.

Four potted plants hanging in a row against the opposite wall.

Rowan’s apartment.

Rowan stumbled a few feet, leaning on the media cabinet.

I tried to get up, but dizziness swamped me, and I sat back down in the sagging couch. “I’m sorry,” I said.

Rowan cut his eyes to me. “You were going to fucking kill me,” he growled, carefully touching his throat.

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“You need to get help, Link.”

Dread washed through me, and I dropped my head into my hands.

He’s right.

I do need help.

***

The Veterans of Foreign Wars Center’s plain white building sat overlooking a large green lawn with several flagpoles.

I parked and sat for a moment, my heart rate higher than usual.

Rowan didn’t want to accompany me to the VFW anymore, and I couldn’t blame him.

It was late morning. He’d driven off without telling me where he was headed, and I’d taken my truck to the VFW, six miles east of Rowan’s apartment.

I’m just going to go in and look around.

The situation with Rowan and my nightmare thrummed in the back of my mind, pushing me out of the seat and onto the pavement. I stood looking at the stark building, trying to move.

I didn’t want to meet other veterans right now.

I didn’t want to sign up for any kind of therapy or anything like that.

Dredging up what’d happened to me abroad was the last thing I wanted to do.

I just needed to put it behind me.

But I could still feel Rowan’s skin, the firm strength of the cords in his throat.

Would this place help me somehow?

I stared at the stark white building.

I want to be normal.

Nothing special.

Just an everyday guy, a good brother—someone with a future.

My body felt too heavy to move, but I forced one foot in front of the other until I opened the door of the center and walked through…

…And saw the goddess standing on the other side.

What the hell…?

Am I hallucinating now?

The entry area was small, with a desk on one side and some cheap plastic chairs on the other. She stood by the desk, talking to a heavyset woman with her hair in hundreds of braids.

The goddess, her wavy hair up in a messy bun, was wearing a crisp, white blouse that offset the tan of her skin.

She looked at me, and the weight of those gorgeous hazel eyes pinned me where I stood.

“Well hey,” she said, blasting me with that dazzling smile. “Here for group?”

“Uh,” I said. So eloquent.

“Welcome,” she said. “Your timing’s lucky, group’s starting in just a few. I’m Lexi, I’m leading it today. Just sign in here with Mrs. Bell, and I’ll take you to the hall.”

“Uh,” I said again, and managed to make myself step closer to her so I could sign the clipboard the other woman offered me.

The woman eyed me skeptically over her glasses, but Lexi beamed at me as I straightened.

“You new to the area?” she asked, touching my arm to guide me.

Electric shocks jolted me where she touched.

I hadn’t felt this alive in five years. At least.

“I, uh, I’m from here,” I said. “But I was…overseas for a few years.”

She nodded, the golden-brown waves of her hair swinging by her face. “Welcome home, then,” she said.

She opened a door and ushered me through. Beyond was a large, open room with a circle of folding chairs at the far end, where a few people were already seated.

“We have the wellness group over there,” she said. “I lead it on Saturdays and Wednesdays, and another guy leads it on Sundays and Mondays. You can come any time.”

I nodded, thinking about coming just to see her.

“We also have AA and NA meetings, a support group for family and adult dependents of veterans on Thursdays…I’ll get a calendar from Mrs. Bell when we’re done.”

“You run the wellness group?” I asked, the rest of what she’d said a blur.

Her skin had the sheen of silk. I wanted to touch it so bad I bit the inside of my cheek to distract myself.

“Yep, for the last year,” Lexi said. “I’m getting my master’s in professional counseling, and you have to do an internship. This was a good fit.”

“So…this is your job?”

Lexi grinned and shook her head, tendrils of glossy hair swishing. “Naw, this doesn’t pay much, just a stipend. I waitress at the Rise & Shine Diner most days.”

I tucked that little tidbit away for future reference.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you,” Lexi said, walking toward the circle of chairs.

I shuffled a few steps behind her, my reluctance surging again even as I admired the easy sway of her hips.

“Hey, y’all,” Lexi said to the people seated on the chairs. “How’s it going today?”

“Hey, Lexi,” said a middle-aged man with an overgrown, stringy beard.

“Hi,” said a woman with very short brown hair.

The other two people just nodded.

The door opened behind us and I turned. More people were coming in.

“We’ve got a newcomer,” Lexi said, indicating me. “Please welcome…”

“Lincoln. You can call me Link,” I said, feeling flustered.

“Welcome Link to the group,” Lexi said, her eyes warm.

“Hey, Link,” the stringy-bearded man said with a nod. Others gave nods and little waves.

Lexi gestured to a chair and I took it. “Alright, everyone, today we’re going to do a guided meditation and then progressive relaxation and breathing.”

What kind of therapy group is this?

Am I going to have to introduce myself, like in an AA meeting?

“Hi, my name is Link, and I’m a returning vet with strangling issues.”

Everyone: “Hi, Link.”

This was probably a mistake.

Maybe I should leave.

“Hey, Link, come sit over here,” Lexi said, indicating the chair beside her.

On the other side was the bearded guy, and I leaned over as Lexi approached someone coming in. “Do we have to talk about our feelings here?” I whispered.

“Not usually,” the guy said. “They’ve got another group for that…I forget what it’s called. This is more of a stress management type of thing. Lexi’s into meditation and stuff like that.”

Some of the tension in my shoulders eased.

“Okay,” I said. I can handle that.

I hope…

Everyone got settled, and Lexi sat down last.

I listened to her smooth, warm voice as she began to guide us.

“Choose a spot to look at and unfocus your eyes, taking three deep breaths: in through the nose and out through the mouth,” Lexi said.

I tried to do as I was told but felt weird doing this with everyone else around.

No one else seemed uncomfortable, though.

“If you feel ready, you can close your eyes, but you don’t have to. The goal is to feel comfortable and safe,” Lexi said.

She’s aware that some of us might not feel safe with our eyes closed. Smart.

Lexi kept talking, and I eventually did close my eyes, which helped with my self-consciousness.

Eventually, she had us counting our breaths and assigning a color to the inhale, and a different color to the exhale.

She went silent, and I kept it up: blue for one, yellow for two, blue for three, yellow for four…up to ten and back to one again.

I’d gone through the count at least five times when she spoke again.

It startled me.

I’d really gotten into the counting.

“Now allow your breathing to drift to the background of your thoughts, and bring your awareness back to the room, listening for any sounds you hear.”

There was a clicking noise.

The blowing noise of the air conditioning—still very necessary in September in Tennessee.

The creak of chairs as people shifted their weight.

Someone clearing their throat.

Lexi then guided us to tense and relax muscles from our jaws to our feet. I’d never done anything like it.

“Now focus on the muscles in your neck, tight-tight-tight. Release. Onto the shoulders…”

I did as I was told, mainly because I liked listening to her and wanted to make her happy.

“Press your arms into the armrests of the chair—press down hard,” Lexi said.

So I did, pushing hard and wondering if I’d bend the plastic…until she said to release.

“Bunch the muscles in your thighs…”

The idea of Lexi talking about the parts of my body started to distract me.

I tried to focus on the process and not let myself go there, but it wasn’t easy when she told us to clench our “sit bones.”

Think of the baseball game from earlier.

The Padres are dicks.

Manny Machado is an asshole.

I wonder what her silky skin tastes like?

Dammit.

She finished off with us pressing our feet into the floor, and it was a relief when that exercise was over.

Then it was another breathing exercise: inhaling on a count of eight, holding for four, exhaling for four.

Then she said, “And when you’re ready, if your eyes were closed, you can open them, and have a stretch.”

I opened my eyes, which were bleary. Blinking, I rolled my head on my neck.

Wow. I actually feel…more relaxed. Better.

That was good.

I could see myself doing this on the regular.

Lexi was beaming at everyone.

Just looking at her soothed me—even as it gave me a rush of energy and warmth.

“Thanks, guys. Y’all have a great rest of your weekend, now, y’hear,” she said.

Some people started standing.

I sat a moment longer, getting out my phone and texting Rowan.

I pocketed the phone with a grin. Standing, I made my way over to where Lexi was putting away chairs with the help of the bearded guy.

“Oh, Link,” Lexi said. “I think you’ve met Bryan.” The bearded guy gave me a nod.

Putting away the last chair, Bryan said, “Well, I’m off now, Lexi. See you Wednesday.” Then he added, “Welcome, Link,” as he walked out.

“So what did you think of the session?” Lexi asked me.

“It was really good,” I said, grinning at her.

She grinned back. “That’s great. You’ll keep coming? Every Saturday?”

How could I say no to that beautiful face?

“Sure will,” I said. “Maybe Wednesdays too.”

I glanced around. The room had emptied.

It was just me and her.

I wanted to ask her out so bad.

But another part of me held back.

Am I ready?

What if she says no?

I pushed the words to my mouth.

“Say, uh…I was wondering,” I said.

She looked at me expectantly.

My heart started hammering as I mustered the courage to say what came next.

“You want to go get a coffee?”